Something Special

The first time you hold your child it begins.  You look into their eyes and fall in love with this perfect little creature.  You see all the potential in the world ahead of them and the hope starts to grow.  Every parent knows what I am talking about.  We all have this hope for our children.  Of course that idlyllic moment lasts only a moment and then you are left with a screaming baby who grows into a rambunctious toddler, mischevious grade schooler, and finally a sullen teenager.  Through it all you carry that spark of hope from the very first encounter you had. 

I actually think that hope is sort of like parental valium, it gets you through the roughest parental moments and into every parent's life come rough moments because kids are exceptional at creating them.  It is a wonderful thing to have hope even when the principal has called to tell you your angel has done something "unforgivable" at school, like watch someone else steal tennis shoes from a locker and do nothing about it.  It becomes even more of a parental salve as they enter their teenage years and begin to distance themselves from you.  The problem is as they grow into adulthood it becomes time to separate your hopes for them from their own dreams and aspirations.  I am struggling with this!

This parental hope, this knowledge that your child is something amazing and wonderful (and they are by the way, I have always held the belief that every child has a gift!) also creates so many other parental issues.  It is the root cause of crazy sports parent behaviour.  Things like parents yelling at officials, coaches, other parents are nothing compared to some of these lunatics:  http://www.cracked.com/article_18541_8-psychotic-overreactions-by-adults-at-youth-sporting-events.html  These people are why we now sign code of conduct agreements from the youngest level of rec league sports to high school sports.  Some of these parents are really insane (way more than me!) 

The thing is, when you watch your child get passed over for the position on the starting line up or not even make the team you are not objective.  Remember, your child is something special (and again I state for the record that they are, just maybe not at that activity.)  Most of us are able to control our frustration and anger enough to move on and do our parental job of supporting our child and helping them to deal with their disappointment.  That doesn't mean that we don't feel it to the depth of our soul.  There is nothing more painful than seeing your child hurt.  This coupled with the knowledge of their unique talents, abilities, skills and amazingness; along with a serious lack of impulse control lead to the crazy behavior.

Now, I have never sharpened my son's helmet till it cut opposing players or bought the whole league to control it, but I have shamefully exhibited some bad behavior myself.  It is not something I am proud of, my kids are mortified when I do it, but it happens when my parental feelings and lack of impulse control get the best of my common sense.

The bottom line is I want everyone to see how amazing and wonderful my children are!  The thing is when I get wrapped up in trying to get everyone to notice that I miss so many of their finest moments!  It isn't really about being the star of the show or the best on the team.  It is noticing when they do those amazing little things.  Moose is such an amazing teammate, he is the best of friends to his teammates, he is loyal and trustworthy.  He is generous and kind, so much more than I could ever be.  Watching him at his scrimmage this weekend I couldn't have been prouder of the man I see emerging.  Belle is the most accepting person I have ever met, she truly empathizes with others and takes there perspective.  She hates when people are critical of others and will be the one to stand up when she sees injustice.  She has a phenomenal way of dealing with children and when I hear her talk about her future aspirations I am as proud as any parent could be.

What does the future hold for them?  Who knows.  I know I am trying hard to let it be their future, their choices, their accomplishments.  I need to appreciate them where they are right now, and encourage them to go for their goals.  It may not always work out the way they anticipated, but life has a way of making things right.  So, here is to hope, hard work, and letting them find their way!

Run Away

Today we were up in Maryland for yet another tryout for Belle.  We got there a little early because I wasn't sure exactly how long the drive would be from our house.  While she was warming up I got to observe a group of Learn to Skate parents.  The first thing I saw was an irate mother who was furious that her tot wasn't getting any personal attention from the instructor.  She wanted the manager and wanted to sign up for private lessons.  I didn't catch all the conversation, but I could tell she was mad.  Then I watched as the children came off the ice.  There were varying degrees of parent response.  Some were so enthusiastic, "Did you enjoy that?  You did such a good job going around the cones!"  Others just took skates off and gathered belongings and left.  It was interesting, though, to look back at where I come from.

When your child is little and in Learn to Skate you see a future of Olympic potential in front of you.  You are sure your child is the next skating prodigy and you just know that this will be there ticket to the front of the Wheaties box.  Of course I know not every parent feels that way, but there are lots of us that did or do.  This is before your child actually heads out into the real world of U.S Figure Skating competition.

I will never forget Belle's first U.S. Figure Skating competition.  It was a local competition and fairly small.  It was also designed as an entry level competiton, at that time it was No Test (meaning skaters hadn't completed an entire USFSA test) through Intermediate.  Belle was skating at the No Test level.  I can't remember if she had done any Moves in the Field tests yet, but she was no where near ready to do any Freeskating tests.  In case you are not familiar here is a link to the current "structure" of US Figure Skating  http://www.usfigureskating.org/content/U.S.%20Figure%20Skating%20Pipeline.pdf  It is actually a lot more complex now than when we started.  Anyway, Belle was ready to go.  She had her program, her dress, her music, and we were ready to take on the world.  People at our rink warned us it would be a huge difference from the recreational competitions we had done.  I don't think we really listened.  Belle placed to second to last in her free skating group.  She was devastated. 

This was the first experience we had with girls who were seriously training.  Some of these girls have gone on to be competitive at the National level.  They had obviously spent a lot more than we had on training, dresses, music, boots, blades, even hair accessories.  These little six year olds were in custom designed dresses with thousands of crystals on them.  Belle was wearing off the sale rack with almost no crystals.  It was an eye opener!

Still I didn't quite get it.  I thought it was all about effort and hard work.  That Belle did.  She worked hard.  From 4th grade on she got up at 4:30 in the morning to go skate before school.  She went back after school.  She practiced in the yard.  She gave up play time on the weekends to go to the rink.  We switched coaches, and then switched again.  Somehow I was still missing the key. 

These skaters are the perfect combination of effort, talent, and money.  Effort we have plenty of.  Talent, maybe not quite as much, but Belle is no slouch in that department.  What do we lack then?  Money.  I can't compete with skaters who spend $40,000 or more a year on their skating.  We will never be in that league. 

So back to the hopeful Learn to Skate parents I witnessed today.  Half my heart says run, run fast and far now!  But there is that part that still sees the potential Olympian in Belle.  I still share those hopes and dreams she has for herself.  I waffle a lot, there are many moments when I wish we had never put her feet in skates, but then I see the joy she has on the ice, the beauty she conveys, the grace.  Keep on hoping Learn to Skate parents, help your children follow their dreams as far as they can go.  Love them, support them, pick them up and brush them off when they fall.  Enjoy the journey, it will end all to soon.